f-stop

today was the first day

of my spring break

 this year was going to be the first year

that no one else (familial, that is)

was also on spring break with me

 since that is no longer the case

(and i'm in a house relatively full of familia)

i took myself on a long walk

& brought along my camera

 the strangeness of these days

simply continues

during my week of rest/lessness

 time feels so different right now

 a sort of suspended animation

or a slow-motion sequence

at once familiar and, yet again, not at all

 the locus of our lives is almost entirely
within the four corners of our yard

 and, although still tethered electronically to our previous lives,

elements of survivalism permeate

 there is a hightened mindfulness to movement,

especially any beyond our yard,

and an alertness to the presence of others

 family units are clearly defined,

and it is interesting to see these little tribes

move in a careful dance through shared spaces

the spaces are just as ever
yet the ease of them is abruptly not

i've been trying to pinpoint
the root of my exhaustion

and it is not in the physical -

that, after all, is relatively easy

(no crash courses in foraging or fortification)

i'm exhausted mentally -

from endless contingencies,

all of which have largely played out

on a laptop screen

the usual (& human) ebb-and-flow

of my work days has been usurped

& replaced by this electrical tether

which remains in the 'on' position

without mercy

(because it is, after all, not human

& 'mercy' is irrelevant)

and i'm plotting

how to survive weeks more

with this strange umbilical cord

that is the lone confirmation

of a job well done

so many ways of being

right now

are oddly reminiscent

of a less connected daily existence

from girlhood novels

a homesteading, homeschooling, homebody-ing

juxtaposed with this electric umblical cord

trailing back to our previous lives

i dearly want

what comes next

to be different

that we would emerge

profoundly changed

it seems surely

surely

that will be true

how can an entire planet

experience this

and simply return to what was

even if we wanted to

it seems patently impossible

what we are experiencing

is seismic & global

but i wonder

what ripples will remain

longer than the brief time

of shared relief

that this, too, has passed

akin to the handful of days

after bedridden illness

when we are (again) exuberant

in our restored wellbeing

then so quickly presume

it is the status quo

it is ripe time

for big change

what an amazing time

to be alive

i am optimistic

that these months of acute upheaval

will leave in its wake

a more compassionate us

one where those with the least

have what any one of us

would consider enough

and those with the most

are required to share

to make that true

stay well